Blog

She was the Calm and the Storm

She was his rock. She was steady, unmoving, and unapologetically beautiful. She always stood up for those too afraid, beaten down, or uncomfortable to have a voice. She was the crack of thunder after the sky was streaked with light. She wore her confidence like a badge of honor, the sun gleaming off it to catch the eye of intrigued minds.

She never once asked for forgiveness for her abrasiveness. Never stating to the people around her that she was anything less than worthy, she knew what she had to offer. She could offer her love, support, and undying gratitude for the energy that others seemed to exude. Her soul was as beautiful as the illuminated clouds that surrounded the moon.

One man was all it took. Suddenly, she was no longer the crack of thunder. She was the lightening. She was all rage and no forgiveness. The anger building within her soon was released and if there were people in the way of her succeeding in the task that she was bred for, the consequences were deadly. She was created in the eye of something beautiful and was destroyed by an egocentric heart.

He looked at her with admiration. He knew of her beauty but not of her worth. He knew of her strength but not of her tolerance. He knew of her confidence but not of her stubborn determination to thrive without another’s restraints. She needed fuel to stoke her fire but he never loved her. She was just fuel for his ego.

Fatal Attraction

The saying goes that you fall for someone. They call it falling because it’s that easy. It’s so simple to fall head over heels and then we find scrapes, bruises, and maybe even gashes and wonder where they came from.

Fatal Attraction
Beaten
By the fear of loss and rejection
Torn
By which direction seems less damaging
Battered
By feelings and words gone unspoken
Broken
By everyone who ever said they’d never leave
This kind of attraction is damaging to the most beautiful parts of us as we seek some sort of redemption in love with someone not made for us. We are beaten down and broken but we keep getting up to fight again and when the smoke fades and the dust settles there will be only you to pull yourself from the rubble.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off because you’ve got more to live for than someone else’s pride and ego. Smile, child, for it is time to see the beauty within yourself. 

Aurora Borealis

There are so many different pieces to life. Life is made up of a multitude of choices, situations, and moments. Those things make us who we are and they create a character within us that we can’t deny. 

The choices that we make in life lead us down a particular path. The path you choose could be that of least resistance or it could be the road that gets you stuck in the mud, tires spinning out of control. We should never regret those choices that get us stuck in the mud. They are there to teach a lesson and put us back on the route that we were meant to be on in the first place.
There are two different categories within the situations in our lives. There are situations that  our choices have put us in and then there are situations that others have led us to but, ultimately, our choices are what put us in all situations. The lives that surround us will cause us to do some things that we may not have done otherwise but, in the end, it’s our decision.
And then there are moments. The most beautiful and heartfelt of life’s lessons. There are moments in time and space that we cannot deny are otherworldly. We get a sense of belonging and utter bliss and, for a single moment, we have an overwhelming feeling. Whatever that feeling may be depends on what the moment constitutes.
Some moments make us feel like we are no longer the biggest thing in life. Suddenly, there is so much more to life than “me”. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff and seeing how insignificant each ant-sized car looks as it treks aimlessly to some dead end job. Other moments hold a feeling of peacefulness that we never fathomed could be possible. It’s standing in the middle of a field just as the sun starts to peek over the horizon and seeing the mist that wisps across the grass. My favorite of all moments is that moment where we are so encapsulated with love for someone that just looking in their eyes is all you could ever need (or so we think). It’s like we could swim in their irises because we can now see the depths of their soul and feel as if we are part of something beautiful.
Life has so many different colors and movements. The colors seem to blend together to create one wondrous image before our eyes. Aurora Borealis is a breathtaking sight and we are very quick to look at the sky and see the moving current of color but don’t look close enough to break down every individual hue.
This life is not meant to be simple and sometimes disection is the only way to understand certain parts because, let’s be honest, no one will ever really be able to say what the true meaning of life is.

Him

When she met him he picked her up and pulled her close. He looked at her as if she were some ethereal figure longing to be seen, even if only for a moment. The man before her was somebody she never thought she’d meet, stable yet vulnerable.

When she touched him she no longer felt alone. Someone was finally there to make her feel as though she had someone to stand beside her as she tried to pull herself up off the ground. When she touched him something inside her evolved and she wondered why she had never seen herself so strong before.

When she loved him he starved all the fears that she had held close to her for so long. He helped her feel beautiful. He smiled when her eyes danced to the beat of the music that reminded her so much of her love for him. His love was passion and pain.

When he left she felt his words cut like daggers in her chest. He twisted the knife and watched as she gasped for air. He never once looked back at the pieces that he left scattered on the ground. He slammed all the doors in her face and when he left, there was nothing left in his place. 

The Committee

They are wrong about you.

“She deserves better than you”

“”You’ll never be able to give her what she needs”

“You don’t deserve her love”

“You’re just an addict”

Lies!

The committee is lying to you and if you give in, you will never know. You will never know a love like hers. Let her show you what she has to offer and she will give you the same in return. Let your heart love her,

Not the committee.

Darkness

I lay alone in silence

Consumed by the darkness

I sometimes feel inspired

to write

to pour my soul on the paper

but to pick up the pen would mean

lifting the weight bearing down

on my shoulders

on my chest

on my heart

The darkness overtakes inspiration

It holds everything I love in a vice grip

It won’t let go

The darkness is frightening

Empowering

Strengthening

but debilitating

It is my muse

My reason for writing

And writing is my purpose

Self-Inflicted Happiness

Sometimes, when I get knocked down, it is very hard to get back up. When I end up on my knees because the weight of life’s hardships gets to hard to hold on my shoulders, it can seem like there is no way that I could be strong enough on my own to lift it and myself back up off the ground. Staying down is so much simpler. Staying down is much less tedious than figuring out how to hold the weight of life’s stresses, my own insecurities, my own self-loathing, my own sadness. All of these things add their own turmoil to my life and why would I want to have to carry those things with me anyways? So how do I lighten the load?

Well how do others do it? Others lighten their load with addictions, things to take their mind off of their own self-pity for a little while. My addiction is people. I have this addiction to having others around me to distract from my own hardships, my own problems, my own self-loathing behaviors. The people that I surround myself with seem to make the load a little lighter from time to time.

I am tired of hiding behind the facade that, not only I have created, but the facade that others have helped me create for myself. I hide behind a mask made of smiles and self-inflicted happiness. I tell people that I am happy and they believe me. I am happy when I’m around people that can help distract me from life’s ungrateful hands wrapped, unforgivably, around my throat. Then, all of a sudden, I am alone with my thoughts and there is no one there to save me. I’m back on my knees and my addiction creeps up on me again, promising relief, if I just give in.

I can stop myself at any time. I can end the cycle and just be okay with being alone. Right?

WRONG.

Alone is not my definition of a good life. I love to be around at least one other person at all times. I enjoy the company of others because the company in my own head just doesn’t cut it. The company in my head makes sure that I go over every possible outcome of the next two weeks. The company makes it difficult to enjoy being alone. The company writes my lines for me and, sometimes, it doesn’t do a very good job.

Being alone makes me want to do something that takes my mind off of being alone. Sleeping is the only thing that turns the lights out long enough for the company to quite and give me sweet relief (even if it is only for a couple of hours). I don’t like to be alone and the only thing I can think to do is leave. If I leave and throw myself into a new situation and get away from the people that help me put that mask on, then maybe, at some point, I can be happy with the company underneath, happy in my own company.

Maybe, someday, I will be able to, honestly, say that my happiness was self-inflicted.