Sometimes, when I get knocked down, it is very hard to get back up. When I end up on my knees because the weight of life’s hardships gets to hard to hold on my shoulders, it can seem like there is no way that I could be strong enough on my own to lift it and myself back up off the ground. Staying down is so much simpler. Staying down is much less tedious than figuring out how to hold the weight of life’s stresses, my own insecurities, my own self-loathing, my own sadness. All of these things add their own turmoil to my life and why would I want to have to carry those things with me anyways? So how do I lighten the load?
Well how do others do it? Others lighten their load with addictions, things to take their mind off of their own self-pity for a little while. My addiction is people. I have this addiction to having others around me to distract from my own hardships, my own problems, my own self-loathing behaviors. The people that I surround myself with seem to make the load a little lighter from time to time.
I am tired of hiding behind the facade that, not only I have created, but the facade that others have helped me create for myself. I hide behind a mask made of smiles and self-inflicted happiness. I tell people that I am happy and they believe me. I am happy when I’m around people that can help distract me from life’s ungrateful hands wrapped, unforgivably, around my throat. Then, all of a sudden, I am alone with my thoughts and there is no one there to save me. I’m back on my knees and my addiction creeps up on me again, promising relief, if I just give in.
I can stop myself at any time. I can end the cycle and just be okay with being alone. Right?
Alone is not my definition of a good life. I love to be around at least one other person at all times. I enjoy the company of others because the company in my own head just doesn’t cut it. The company in my head makes sure that I go over every possible outcome of the next two weeks. The company makes it difficult to enjoy being alone. The company writes my lines for me and, sometimes, it doesn’t do a very good job.
Being alone makes me want to do something that takes my mind off of being alone. Sleeping is the only thing that turns the lights out long enough for the company to quite and give me sweet relief (even if it is only for a couple of hours). I don’t like to be alone and the only thing I can think to do is leave. If I leave and throw myself into a new situation and get away from the people that help me put that mask on, then maybe, at some point, I can be happy with the company underneath, happy in my own company.
Maybe, someday, I will be able to, honestly, say that my happiness was self-inflicted.