They say she’s mean. She says she’s honest.

They always say that I am rude or mean. I always tell them I am brutally honest. Am I lying to them? Am I trying to just justify the things that I say? Am I somehow just trying to justify having no filter?

Sometimes being honest can be hurtful but isn’t it necessary to let people know how you feel or what you are thinking? Sometimes things just seem to tumble out of my mouth and through the ears of the unfortunate. I feel, sometimes, that I need to constantly filter my thoughts before I attempt to say anything. It seems to be a lot of effort just to be so careful with my thoughts.

People always say that I am mean or rude; I really wish they understood that it is not my intention to be so blatantly mean. I never would intentionally hurt somebody. Sometimes thoughts just roll out like a runaway train and they don’t seem to stop. My intentions are always for people to know how I’m feeling but never to feel like they are being judged or that they are being put down.

Should I really try to explain myself or should I just accept the fact that I am rude? I sometimes feel that I should just lay back and take it, just let people see me as mean and go about my day-to-day life. I want to explain myself to people but when I do I sometimes feel as if they might be right, like I’m just lying to myself to make me feel better about the fact.

On the surface, I laugh it off but beneath that there is a lot of anxiety that comes along with constantly being told that I am rude or disrespectful. I never feel like what I say has hit that extent but maybe it has. The constant worry that what I say is going to hurt someone’s feelings is a terrible burden. It makes me not want to say anything at all so why speak? Why talk if I am just going to be put down? I fight all the time just to be myself and to feel some sort of acceptance.

Maybe I just need to stick with the people that understand that I am not trying to be hurtful but really just being myself in a society that has made it so hard. I can just continue doing what I am doing and hope that I can just surround myself with the people that get it or I can constantly reserve myself and be that fly on the wall that is barely seen and almost never heard.

This is my conclusion: I will just stay true to who I am. No matter what I am to other people, I have to know who I am to ME.

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2 thoughts on “They say she’s mean. She says she’s honest.

  1. A thought is an odd thing when you stop and consider it. A small manifestation of electricity that’s generated by neurons in our brain. It is such a small thing but it comes with so much power. It drives our goals, influences our perception, makes us sad, makes us happy. The list is endless. It seems insane to me how our world is just building blocks of these minuscule sparks that drive us forward.

    And if our world is indeed controlled by such small forces — which I believe it is –it makes it that much more complicated. A spark from thousands of neurons leads to a thought, which leads to an action, then that action influences our surroundings, which all have billions of random factors that can cause a reaction.

    I’m ranting, I apologize, but this all does lead to a point (albeit a small one.) The world is a chaotic and unruly place. Who among us is intelligent enough to traverse it without causing ripples? I would say if at the end of the day your intentions were pure you have done all you can.

    You are a very intelligent person. You seem to care a lot about those close to you and in my thousand of tiny sparks, I would not consider you a rude person by any means. I’d say your conclusion is a good one. You have a good heart; you should not restrict yourself based on other peoples opinions.

    [ I hope you appreciated the very clever word play that went into the line, “this all does lead to a point (albeit a small one) … get it? IT’S THE THEME OF MY POINT]

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  2. If you catch yourself, filtering what comes out of your mouth, you are in turn filtering your personality. For the people who know you….and are your friends. Or family. We know you. We except you. So please don’t filter your personality to much.

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